Eli’s Aliyah Tips
A Walk on the Bright Side
Shalom All,
It has been some year, hasn’t it? We all sport a few more gray hairs (some more then a few) and more character lines are etched in our faces. Some of us have even gained a bit more weight then we had wished. With a situation such as this it is not difficult to become a bit morose, to say the least. But hey, there is always a bright side.
Take last night for example. My wife and I came home after seeing friends off abroad at about 11 and finally got to bed about 12. The first attack occurred about 12:30. All was quiet until we heard "the buzz". There it was, the dastardly surprise night attack by a low flying unmanned mosquito. America was off to bombing Afghanistan but I had a more imminent danger at hand.
There are two deadly means of defense. The first is artillery. I usually find that an old copy of Newsweek works best, although a folded copy of the Post’s Magazine section can do in a pinch. Stealthily I climb out of my bed trying not to move the blanket and wake my other half. My folded copy of the magazine (issue March 22) loosely held in one hand . The other hand makes a quick dash for the light switch. Flash - with glasses perched on edge of my nose, I jump onto the bed, eyes like radar scanning the ceiling for that buzzing menace. If I am lucky I spot him right away. There he is 12 O’clock high.( I wonder what they say in the movies now that no one knows how to tell time anymore) Quietly I step over my wife who has defended herself with two pillows (probably more from me falling on her then from the mosquito).
I slowly balance myself closer and with a quick flip of my wrist, splat. I got another one. Yesh! Come visit my bedroom. My trophies lie (or hang) spattered all over my ceiling. Every year my wife nags me to paint the bedroom ceiling . What, and erase all my conquests? But as usual, she is right " How can you tell the difference between a dead and a live mosquito?" she asks. " By the lack of a shadow," I reply. "But this way you can see what you do each year and compare your kills." Ahh, the feminine logic of a spouse of almost 30 years.
Yes, now back to the campaign. Sometimes my opponent is smarter than I thought. When I flick on the light he quickly jumps into the closet and hides between my shirts until darkness once again offers him cover. The sneaky bastard. Now I am left only with final force. I lay quietly on my back both hands at the ready by my side. Slowly flexing my fingers to keep them limber, I wait for the deadly buzzing. At last, I hear him drawing closer and closer to my exposed ear. Then when he commits himself (or is it herself?) to the final dive– whack, I slap myself on the side of the head fully destroying the creature once and for all as well as my hearing. Bad as this is there is one worse scenario. Once again I lie back down on my pillow finally ready for sleep and hear - here it comes the buzz. This time though, I cannot be certain if the noise is coming from the insect or my aching head.
Its now 1:45 a.m. I think I slept again until 2. Then it was time for the 50 caliber machine gun alarm clock to gently nudge me out of my weird dreams. I lay there trying to figure out what time it is and to hear the first whump . Ok, mortar time, now to count 1.. 2… 3… waiting to hear the second part as it falls. But hey, it’s up to ten and I didn’t hear the explosion. I look at the wife who is lying still with her eyes shut. As I try quietly not to disturb her and get a bathrobe, she mumbles. " Did it explode yet?"
So here I am. It’s 4 a.m. with nothing else to do but write about my mosquito conquests. I have a sip of a tall glass of warm milk laced with amaretto ( you got to try it sometime). As the day approaches I just keep adding a bit more amaretto and think Hey, thanks Yasser. There’s nothing like looking out my window, watching the light begin to paint in the colors of the Judean desert, waiting for the birds to wake up all this with a computer and a drink.
Eli Birnbaum is a counseling psychologist who has been working with Olim for the past 20 years. He presently serves as Director of Internet for the Jewish Agency and World Zionist Organization. Eli also is also the founder and moderator of the Tachlis Aliyah Forum one of the first (almost 10 years old ) Jewish discussion groups on-line, which has helped literally thousands of Olim over the years.
Eli’s E-Mail address: birnbaum@wzo.org.il
Jewish Agency website: http://www.jafi.org.il
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